


I'm Okay, Says You

by Sunflower_099, toomanythoughtstothinkabout (imnotokay_imgay)



Series: The Subtle Art of Not Being Okay [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Overdose, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loneliness, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:09:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29694834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunflower_099/pseuds/Sunflower_099, https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotokay_imgay/pseuds/toomanythoughtstothinkabout
Summary: Two versions, one the original, and the second a revised and expanded version. This is about mental health, just a rant and then an explanation and a lot of things that we both needed to express.This is for the people who have things they want to say, who want to tell the world that something is wrong and they aren't okay but don't know how. This is for the people who feel alone and want to know that someone is there and that someone understands. This is for the people who want a sign to hold on, that there's someone to talk to.
Series: The Subtle Art of Not Being Okay [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2186412





	1. Original

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The original version, a spontaneous rant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the lighter of the two, no trigger warnings apply.

I feel like I can’t be myself, like I can’t speak my feelings and say I am not okay because everyone else’s okay is different to mine, and they would beg to be as okay as me while I am struggling to function because our versions of not okay are very different. I have the world handed to me and I could do anything I want and yet I am the one that is not okay. Everyone else says they are okay when they aren’t, they have it worse than me and are struggling more and they have more reason to be not okay but I am the one who is not okay as well. You and I are very different and we have different lives and standards and they could differ daily and either one of us could say we are not okay but only one of us is allowed and accepted to be not okay.

Do you ever just lay in your bed and think to yourself I am not okay? Do you ever start thinking about how bad it is getting right now and try your best to suppress the tears? Do you ever have conversations with close friends that make you rethink everything? Do you ever sit there and wonder why it is so bad, why you are longing for things out of your control? Do you ever let the emotions get the better of you and you break down crying because you feel alone in a world of 7.6 Billion people just to go out the next day and put a smile on your face for the ones you love the most? For the ones who you know should support you. For the ones who need you to smile for them to even try to grin. But… but… you aren't okay, you shouldn't have to smile or talk or interact if you don't feel like it. You should be allowed to not be okay and to have your emotions. But if you start crying people are going to ask you if you are okay and you fear that if you tell them no they will worry. If you let them know your feelings they will get hurt too. The constant feeling of guilt if you admit you aren't okay because people in this world have it worse than you, they are less okay than you are, they are struggling more and they have no one. You have a whole support system, you have everything handed to you but as soon as you aren't okay it feels like the whole world withers away and you can’t say anything to anyone. That rock you had holding you up, yeah, it rolled away. That smile you had on your face at 2 o'clock that afternoon quickly inverted, you have tears running down your face whilst you are telling yourself you aren't good enough for this, you don't deserve anything, but you are okay, you can not be not okay. If you are, you have to be guilty and you are lying to yourself because other people have it worse than you. Society will never realise that everyone has their own version of okay. They have grown up differently one person is used to the sight of violence while others curl up in a ball at it. Some people get overwhelmed when they get affection others have had it all their life and just absorb it like there is no tomorrow. People are not machines from a factory that are all direct copies of each other and not everyones brains and bodies look or work the same. But society says they should. The pressure to be okay mixed with the pressure to look like the perfect person is too much but you have to be okay and you have to accept yourself.

~Sunflower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hope you enjoyed this.


	2. Revised &Expanded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A longer and darker version inspired by chapter one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything in the tags belongs to this chapter. They're the trigger warnings.

Do you ever lie awake thinking about how everything used to be okay and now it’s not? How often do you think about how hard everything seems right now? And then all of a sudden you’re pressing your lips together and scrunching your eyes shut and your whole body is trembling and you’re trying so hard not to cry. Do you think back on the conversations you had with the people who meant the most to you and wonder what happened to what you shared? Do you wonder why all of a sudden everything feels so bad? Do you long for something that’s wildly out of your control but you still crave it? Does it all get too much and then you really do cry, you cry because everything is too much and even though there’s 7.6 billion people in the world you feel so alone, like no one could ever hear you or see you? But then the next day you get up and you put on a mask so you can smile at the world and not let anyone see how broken you are. You smile and you laugh and you do your best to hide how you’re really feeling for the people you care about, for the people who should care about you, because you know that they need to see you smiling before the corners of their lips even twitch into a half-hearted attempt at a smile. But really...the truth is that you aren’t okay...that the smiles are fake and the laughs are hollow and every single moment you want to break down again but you hold it together because there’s no way you can afford to let it slip that you’re hurting. 

The thing is though, you aren’t okay, and that should be okay. You should have people who care about you and support you, who can help you carry the sky when being Atlas is too much. And when you don’t want to smile or talk to people then you shouldn’t have to, if it’s too hard to get up and drag yourself around to satisfy other people then that should be okay too. But it’s not, is it? You should be allowed to have emotions, to show them. You have emotions, you aren’t a robot or a factory produced machine. You should be allowed to express the things you feel.

But you can’t. The second the tears come then everyone is asking if you’re okay and you can’t tell them what’s bothering you. You can’t say it because then they’ll worry about you, and then they’ll get hurt, and it’ll be your fault. But even as the tears fall there is guilt coursing through your veins like fire, because it’s not so bad for you, other people have it worse, and because of that what right do you have to cry? Others struggle more than you do, they struggle more often. They don’t have any support, they must be Atlas every single day and there is no one to help them carry the burden of the sky. You know that you’re lucky, that you have people who care. Then all of a sudden it gets bad again and it feels as though the world sinks away and it’s just you, alone, facing your demons without anyone by your side. And the wall you were leaning against to prop yourself up has crumbled to dust and now you’re on your knees, you’re alone in the ashes of a burnt and ruined world. 

You were smiling this morning. There was a joke that made you laugh. You smiled for a split second, you looked happy, you looked as if you could conquer the world and things might be okay today. But now it’s the afternoon and you aren’t okay. Not by a long way. There are tears rolling down your face. There’s no smiles and laughter anymore. There’s only the voices in your head telling you that you’re a disappointment, that you’ve failed, that you aren’t good enough, that there’s nothing in the world that you’re deserving of except for this pain like shattered glass working its way through your intestines and the guilt running like air in and out of your lungs. But you keep telling yourself that you’re okay, because it’s the only option left. You can’t afford not to be okay. 

There’s the constant thought that you’re lying to yourself, that other people have it worse because society always tells you to be grateful that you aren’t someone else. As though because you’re drowning in 10 metres of water you’re going to be less dead in the end than the person halfway across the world drowning in 20 metres of water. It doesn’t matter how deep the water is, you’re still drowning and you’ll still end up dead. The thing is though, you aren’t okay and society will never realise it. Society never realises that everyone has different tolerance levels. Sometimes people need affection, they cling to you as though they will die if you leave them. Other people hate it, they do everything they can to shove it away because it’s so overwhelming. There’s an overwhelming pressure to be yourself but to be society’s version of perfect and it isn’t possible. Society will never deem you perfect as long as you’re you and they will never realise just how much strength it takes to pick up the shattered pieces and carry them around every single day.

The other people, they don’t see the cuts and scars and bruises. They don’t see the world beating you black and blue. They only see what’s on the surface, the friends, the rare moments when you laugh so hard that your sides ache. They don’t see the tears and the scraped knees. They don’t see how once upon a time you had the world and now you’re left with the rubble of a broken city. But until they see you at your most vulnerable, with tear tracks down your face they’ll never know just how strong you are. Until they’ve seen you hold a knife to your skin and sob as you feel burning hot lines of fire being laid across your skin while hot blood comes out and fills the air with the scent of iron. Until they see you stand on the edge of a precipice and look out to the horizon, your mouth forming a final goodbye, slowly leaning out and praying that someone cares enough to grab your hand and pull you back before you tip over the edge. Until they see you with a packet of pills on the floor next to you as you lean over the toilet bowl and throw up everything you’ve eaten that day, feeling the room sway and watching everything gradually getting dimmer, feeling the poison from these small and innocent looking pills burning through your insides. They’ll never see it and they’ll never know how much you sacrifice each time you smile and tell the world how okay you are.

~Nox

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To whoever has made it this far, I hope you know that there are people who understand, people who want to talk to you, people who think that you're good enough. I'm one of those people, and I hope that one day you can realise it. That one day, maybe not today or tomorrow or next year, but one day in the future, maybe 3 years away, you'll laugh and you'll realise that it's better than it was before and your smile lasts a few minutes before it fades and you can hear the echo of laughter, but it's not melancholy, it's full of life.
> 
> I hope you've enjoyed this.


End file.
